Sarah

This post is dedicated to one of my very best friends, Sarah. We met our senior year of high school when I was talked into coming to this thing called Young Life. One day I apprehensively walked into Amigos for Campaigners (which I thought sounded like a group of junior politicians but is really just a small group Bible study) where I met Sarah and her friends. Little did I know that day would change my life- not only did I fall in love with Young Life, but I made a friend who would become "my person" and walk through the next five years with me! How lucky I was! This weekend she graduated and became an RN (Real Nurse!). Now we're both grown ups (sorta) but she's still my person and still the first one I call with juicy news. She loves hard and is full of life, but is not a very good roller skater. ;)

We made a scrapbook for graduation but I couldn't fit everything on the page I made so I thought I'd continue it here. So here's some memories and pics of life together....

Taking pictures together when we met at Ice Cream Olympics

Bonding over a ride to Windy Gap (as campers!)

Working at the Firehouse together

Making up dances while ringing the Salvation Army bells

Prom festivities

Campaigners by the river

Summer at Doe River Gorge

Quest small group

Making tshirts for Jhall’s graduation

“What haaappened?”

Making matching fleece animal blankets

Visiting Union over fall break ‘07

Making you watch Friends for the first time

Spring Break at PCB (many more go with this but we’ll leave them unsaid)

Black Friday Shopping in Georgia

Quest graduation (we're finally YL leaders!!!)

{insert the year we rarely hung out}

Jhall's wedding

Road trip to Cookeville/Nashville to visit boyfriends

My surprise birthday party

Spring Break to St. Augustine #1

We were all going to transfer to Flagler

Living at the Bunkbed/Mold House (Why haven’t we lived together more? I am sad about this)

Dixie Stampede

Fall Break 2009 to Nashville

Line dancing at Wildhorse Saloon

Staying at the Opryland Hotel

Drew and Ellie concert in Knoxville

Spring Break to St. Augustine #2

Giving you a temporary tattoo sleeve

Chris Blingle and the Ho Ho Ho’s

Snowboarding/skiing

Zac Brown concert and taking artsy pics

Coming to stay with me in Knox for your last fall break

Many Many weddings/dance parties (and more to come!)

Being obsessed with the Bachelor/Bachelorette

Being able to be completely ourselves and comfortable

Christina and Meredith

Being Younglife leaders with our Younglife leader

Secret conversations about boys

You are my human GPS

Your nursing skills balancing out my hypochondria

Girls Night Out

...There are so many more and so much to come!!

Congratulations sweet friend!!!

Bittersweet

"Bittersweet is the idea that in all things there is both something broken and something beautiful, that there is a sliver of lightness on even the darkest of nights, a shadow of hope in every heartbreak, and that rejoicing is no less rich when it contains a splinter of sadness. Bittersweet is the practice of believing that we really do need both the bitter and the sweet, and that life of nothing but sweetness rots both your teeth and your soul. Bitter is what makes us strong, what forces us to push through, what helps us earn the lines on our faces and callouses on our hands. Sweet is nice enough, but bittersweet is beautiful, nuanced, full of depth and complexity." - Shauna Niequist

Bittersweet. It's a word that I've used a lot but never really thought much about. It is a word that nicely defines this season of my life. Knoxville has been my home for nearly four months now, but has yet to feel like home. The struggles and heartache I have faced from leaving my family and dear friends sometimes seem unbearable, but the raw, fierce, and unchanging love I receive daily from the Lord allow me to experience a unique sweetness. I have met wonderful people who have graciously welcomed me into their community, and I live with two wonderful girls who are walking alongside me in building a life in Knoxville.

Coming home to Johnson City for Christmas has been bittersweet as well. It means facing the reality that life has moved on and it means catching up on all the things I missed; but it also means getting to look into familiar eyes and see the same sparks of love and friendship that have always existed. Gathering after gathering, conversation after conversation, I am filled with years of sweet memories and lessons learned.

My hope is that one day soon I will look back with thankfulness about what I learned, who I became, what the Lord gave me and what He took away during this season.

Ponder this...

He who has a why to live can bear almost any how

Friedrich Nietzsche

College

I finished another journal today! I love journaling. My favorite part is to read back and see all the ways the Lord has worked in my life. Times when I basically thought the world was ending were merely a speed bump in my story. I can look back on those times with thankfulness now because of what they taught me about Jesus and myself. Speaking of sweet times, I came across the entry I wrote the night before I graduated from ETSU and it was filled with sweet memories...

"I graduate college TOMORROW! How crazy is that?! I feel like I keep talking about it but it won't really come. I don't feel ready to be done with college. I'm not ready to leave my friends and family in the fall. Although, I don't think I'll ever feel ready. It has been a great four years! So many good times and some hard times- but ultimately they ended up good.

During college, I figured out who I am and where I "fit". I made my faith my own. I made friendships that will last forever and some that only lasted a short time but had a great impact on my life. I "got in the wheelbarrow". I realized my love for teenagers and desire to show them Jesus' love. I spent a month at Frontier Ranch. I learned about God's never ending, never giving up, unbreaking, always and forever love for me. I watched Katy Ann and Austin grow up. I had my heart broken. I broke others' hearts. I ate tons of Barberitos. I learned that I can be artsy and musical... if I try. I watched my sister grow up and grew to love and admire her more everyday. I spent way too much money. Fall break to Charleston was the best trip in spite of stomach problems. I had long talks over iced soy vanilla lattes. I lived with my best friends. I watched people start relationships with the Lord. I released all inhibitions at dance parties. Kimber and I drove to Boone a lot. I watched my friends be great Younglife leaders. I went to the beach with friends every spring break- each trip was different and great. I spent a month in Oregon. I loved being at Windy Gap. "With You" by Chris Brown was my favorite song. I was a lifeguard. People called me hessie, Jaguar, Lynn, and Gooz. I was a Younglife leader with my Younglife leader. I had friends who loved me enough to tell me things I didn't want to hear. I spent many days at the lake. I rarely did homework. I learned how to be a leader. I learned how much I need Jesus. I became friens with my parents. I listened to lots of Drew and Ellie. My favorite treat was peanut butter m&ms and coke. I got really sick for a while, but eventually got better. I climbed trees at the VA. I went night hiking and night swimming. I learned lots of lessons the hard way. I went rollerblading. I watched my sweet Charlie grow up. I worked at Hollister for a week. I learned to let people love me. I figured out I don't have to be perfect. I watched through tears as some people very dear to me moved away. I learned to trust God. I watched (but didn't really watch) movies with my friends. I played tennis with Zach. I watched my friends get their hearts broken. I smoked cloves and drank cream soda. I dressed in goofy outfits. I went to concerts. I was (and still am) indecisive. I lived in Rose Park, the Casa, and the Mold house. I learned from my friends. I peed in my pants. I pulled all-nighters. I took girls to Younglife camp. I saw brokenness in the form of eating disorders, breakups, abuse, and abortion. I have seen the beauty and joy of adoption. I went to drive-in movies. I passed notes in class. I had many sweet moments with the Lord. I read the pals sign everyday. I played cornhole and ultimate frisbee. I spent many hours at the Caldwell's house laughing, crying and everything in between. I was on student staff with Amber. I read the Blue Book. I endured many homeschool jokes. I got scared. I worked at the Bristol Races. I watched my Younglife team grow and change. I went to Waffle House in the middle of the night. I watched YouTube videos over and over. I was "Sue" at club. I forgot and re-learned how much I need Jesus. I loved going to church for the first time. I played on the playground in the Tree Streets. I changed my major 33589733 times. I spent way too much time of facebook. I went to the Carter Family Fold. I grew out of my shy, awkward stage. I drove to Charleston to watch the sunrise. I had my first kiss. I ran away from the Lord. I ran back to the Lord. I prayed like crazy. I made mistakes. I got hurt. I learned to be intentional. I met many different kinds of people- funny, angry, crazy, mean, happy, & lovely. I overanalyzed. I sang at the top of my lungs. I watched every season of Dawson's Creek. I loved and was loved. I learned. I grew up. I became the real me."

No wonder I miss it so much!!!!!!!!!!!!! What a sweet time that was! Reading this makes me miss it, but it also makes me excited for the times ahead. Bring it!

A New Way of Struggling

To struggle used to be
to grab with both hands
and shake
and twist
and turn
and push
and shove
and not give in
but wrestle an answer from it all
as Jacob did a blessing.

But there is another way
to struggle with an issue, a question-
simply jump off into the abyss
and find ourselves floating
falling
tumbling
being led
slowly and gently, but surely
to answers God has for us-
to watch the answers unfold before our eyes
and still be a part of the unfolding.

But, oh!
The trust necessary for this new way!
Not to be always reaching out
for the old hand-holds.

-Susan W.N. Ruach

Peace

To wait is to learn the spiritual grace of detachment (letting go), the freedom of desire. Not the absence of desire, but desire at rest. St John of the Cross lamented that "the desires weary and fatigue the soul; for they are like restless and discontented children, who are ever demanding this or that from their mother, and are never contented." Detachment is coming to a place where those demanding children are at peace. As David said,

I have stilled and quieted my soul;
like a weaned child with its mother,
like a weaned child is my soul within me.
Psalm 131:2

The word detachment might evoke wrong impressions. It is not a cold and indifferent attitude; not at all. Gerald May writes, "An authentic spiritual understanding of detachment devalues neither desire nor the objects of desire." Instead, it "aims at correcting one's own anxious grasping in order to free oneself for committed relationship to God."

From Journey of Desire by John Eldridge

How He Loves

Jesus loves me this I know...

I've always known that the Lord loves me. There are times when I don't necessarily believe he could love me and times when I just didn't let him love me. But these days, I'm learning that his love may look different from what I've always assumed it to be like.

It's hard to even begin to explain where my heart is right now. I'm in this weird push and pull pattern with God. I'm confused, resentful, grieving, yet anticipating. I miss knowing and being known. I've been grieving the loss of a wonderful community of friends where I am known and loved, while growing resentful towards the only one who knows me to the core- all my mess- and still loves me.

I am scared to death. I am hurting. I am lonely. I am frustrated. I am angry. But I also know that I am loved. Not a hearts and butterflies kind of love, but a wonderful, terrible, beautiful, messy, gentle, painful kind of love. Part of me feels like fighting it and the other part feels like sprinting towards it, begging for it to never leave. It's hard to grasp this sort of love. I don't understand it. But I don't want to live another second without it.

My favorite song right now is How He Loves. (Hence the title of my blog) John Mark McMillian knows what's up. This kinda ties all my thoughts together.

Weddings

It's official.. the wedding season of my life has begun! In the past two months I've been to FOUR of my friends' weddings. Two of my old roommates and dearest friends married wonderful, godly men and have started a new chapter of life and I was so blessed to be a part of it! However, I need to say that it's just weird that my friends are getting married... I feel like we aren't old enough for this! When did we grow up?

It seems like yesterday we moved into the dumpy, cold, yet charming little house affectionately named "The Casa". Jenny with her all nighters because she procrastinated on homework, Kimber with her wedding magazines and a diet coke permanently attached to her hand, Amber with her laundry day outfits and tiny closet of a room and me with my random dancing outbursts and princess bed...

Then along came Shanna, followed by Betsy. These two completed our group and brought so much light and laughter with them! Although Bets and I never lived there at the same time, I feel as though the entire group has always been together. Our friendships have had their ups and downs, but together we learned so much about life, the Lord, and how to love. (Glow stick dance parties are our specialty.) With them, I am completely myself, I am challenged, I can love and be loved, and sometimes I even laugh till I pee in my pants.

Every day is a constant reminder that we are growing up. All of us have real jobs (or graduate school, which should count as a real job) and this fall Kimber and Shanna have both gotten married! Is this real life?

Aren't they GORGEOUS?? I am so happy for both of them and so excited to see where the Lord takes them on this new journey. Kimber and Luke were married in September and Shanna tied the knot with Kyle last night. At both of their weddings I had to just stop for a minute and take in the surreal moments. Moments I never want to forget. Looking around and seeing all of my best friends growing up and celebrating life... It's beautiful.

I'm not sure the point of this post except to be sentimental and cheesy. I am just overwhelmed with thankfulness for those the Lord has placed in my life, however long or short that time with them may be.
Casa Girls, I love you and can't wait to be together with you again!

New Jess

April is here! My last post about the snow seems like a distant memory as I sit in the 80 degree weather listening to the birds chirp and taking in the smell of fresh cut grass. Not only does that post seem distant because of the change in weather, but because of the change in me. Some people fondly call it "New Jess".

The Lord has been hard at work in my life these last few months. Somewhere back there I began drifting, letting my circumstances dictate my thoughts, feelings, and actions. I chose to live and love on my own strength, refusing to surrender my fears and sorrows to the Lord. As always, no matter how turned around I get, He pulls me out of the hole I have burrowed myself in and brings me back to life- a life filled with His inexhaustable love. He has redeemed me once again and has brought back my joy, my ability to love people, and my true self. I am New Jess!

"THE GLORY OF GOD IS MAN FULLY ALIVE" -St. Irenaeus

Fe-blue-ary

It's that time of year again. The excitement of snow has worn off. Snowboarding- check. Snowball fight- check. Getting snowed in at friends houses- check. ETSU cancelled- check. Now begins the great waiting period... you know, that time when it's cold and cloudy and all you want to do is lay in bed all day. Every morning waking up and hoping the clouds will have disappeared during the night only to see four more inches of snow on the ground...

I've seen the light though. Literally. This past weekend it was sunny for the first time in a long while and it was oh so marvelous! I just wanted to drive with my windows down and sing along with the radio! Sunday afternoon was spent at the park with friends- laughing, playing ball, and taking crazy pictures. It was the happiest I've felt for a long time! Unfortunately, it's snowing outside again. Such is East Tennessee in February. Two weeks from now I'll be laying on a sunny Florida beach, far, far, away from the snow. Yesssss!

All this being said, I hope you are surviving February and hopefully having lots of sunshiney moments!