How He Loves

Jesus loves me this I know...

I've always known that the Lord loves me. There are times when I don't necessarily believe he could love me and times when I just didn't let him love me. But these days, I'm learning that his love may look different from what I've always assumed it to be like.

It's hard to even begin to explain where my heart is right now. I'm in this weird push and pull pattern with God. I'm confused, resentful, grieving, yet anticipating. I miss knowing and being known. I've been grieving the loss of a wonderful community of friends where I am known and loved, while growing resentful towards the only one who knows me to the core- all my mess- and still loves me.

I am scared to death. I am hurting. I am lonely. I am frustrated. I am angry. But I also know that I am loved. Not a hearts and butterflies kind of love, but a wonderful, terrible, beautiful, messy, gentle, painful kind of love. Part of me feels like fighting it and the other part feels like sprinting towards it, begging for it to never leave. It's hard to grasp this sort of love. I don't understand it. But I don't want to live another second without it.

My favorite song right now is How He Loves. (Hence the title of my blog) John Mark McMillian knows what's up. This kinda ties all my thoughts together.