He who has a why to live can bear almost any how
Friedrich Nietzsche
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Saturday, November 6, 2010
College
I finished another journal today! I love journaling. My favorite part is to read back and see all the ways the Lord has worked in my life. Times when I basically thought the world was ending were merely a speed bump in my story. I can look back on those times with thankfulness now because of what they taught me about Jesus and myself. Speaking of sweet times, I came across the entry I wrote the night before I graduated from ETSU and it was filled with sweet memories...
"I graduate college TOMORROW! How crazy is that?! I feel like I keep talking about it but it won't really come. I don't feel ready to be done with college. I'm not ready to leave my friends and family in the fall. Although, I don't think I'll ever feel ready. It has been a great four years! So many good times and some hard times- but ultimately they ended up good.
During college, I figured out who I am and where I "fit". I made my faith my own. I made friendships that will last forever and some that only lasted a short time but had a great impact on my life. I "got in the wheelbarrow". I realized my love for teenagers and desire to show them Jesus' love. I spent a month at Frontier Ranch. I learned about God's never ending, never giving up, unbreaking, always and forever love for me. I watched Katy Ann and Austin grow up. I had my heart broken. I broke others' hearts. I ate tons of Barberitos. I learned that I can be artsy and musical... if I try. I watched my sister grow up and grew to love and admire her more everyday. I spent way too much money. Fall break to Charleston was the best trip in spite of stomach problems. I had long talks over iced soy vanilla lattes. I lived with my best friends. I watched people start relationships with the Lord. I released all inhibitions at dance parties. Kimber and I drove to Boone a lot. I watched my friends be great Younglife leaders. I went to the beach with friends every spring break- each trip was different and great. I spent a month in Oregon. I loved being at Windy Gap. "With You" by Chris Brown was my favorite song. I was a lifeguard. People called me hessie, Jaguar, Lynn, and Gooz. I was a Younglife leader with my Younglife leader. I had friends who loved me enough to tell me things I didn't want to hear. I spent many days at the lake. I rarely did homework. I learned how to be a leader. I learned how much I need Jesus. I became friens with my parents. I listened to lots of Drew and Ellie. My favorite treat was peanut butter m&ms and coke. I got really sick for a while, but eventually got better. I climbed trees at the VA. I went night hiking and night swimming. I learned lots of lessons the hard way. I went rollerblading. I watched my sweet Charlie grow up. I worked at Hollister for a week. I learned to let people love me. I figured out I don't have to be perfect. I watched through tears as some people very dear to me moved away. I learned to trust God. I watched (but didn't really watch) movies with my friends. I played tennis with Zach. I watched my friends get their hearts broken. I smoked cloves and drank cream soda. I dressed in goofy outfits. I went to concerts. I was (and still am) indecisive. I lived in Rose Park, the Casa, and the Mold house. I learned from my friends. I peed in my pants. I pulled all-nighters. I took girls to Younglife camp. I saw brokenness in the form of eating disorders, breakups, abuse, and abortion. I have seen the beauty and joy of adoption. I went to drive-in movies. I passed notes in class. I had many sweet moments with the Lord. I read the pals sign everyday. I played cornhole and ultimate frisbee. I spent many hours at the Caldwell's house laughing, crying and everything in between. I was on student staff with Amber. I read the Blue Book. I endured many homeschool jokes. I got scared. I worked at the Bristol Races. I watched my Younglife team grow and change. I went to Waffle House in the middle of the night. I watched YouTube videos over and over. I was "Sue" at club. I forgot and re-learned how much I need Jesus. I loved going to church for the first time. I played on the playground in the Tree Streets. I changed my major 33589733 times. I spent way too much time of facebook. I went to the Carter Family Fold. I grew out of my shy, awkward stage. I drove to Charleston to watch the sunrise. I had my first kiss. I ran away from the Lord. I ran back to the Lord. I prayed like crazy. I made mistakes. I got hurt. I learned to be intentional. I met many different kinds of people- funny, angry, crazy, mean, happy, & lovely. I overanalyzed. I sang at the top of my lungs. I watched every season of Dawson's Creek. I loved and was loved. I learned. I grew up. I became the real me."
No wonder I miss it so much!!!!!!!!!!!!! What a sweet time that was! Reading this makes me miss it, but it also makes me excited for the times ahead. Bring it!
"I graduate college TOMORROW! How crazy is that?! I feel like I keep talking about it but it won't really come. I don't feel ready to be done with college. I'm not ready to leave my friends and family in the fall. Although, I don't think I'll ever feel ready. It has been a great four years! So many good times and some hard times- but ultimately they ended up good.
During college, I figured out who I am and where I "fit". I made my faith my own. I made friendships that will last forever and some that only lasted a short time but had a great impact on my life. I "got in the wheelbarrow". I realized my love for teenagers and desire to show them Jesus' love. I spent a month at Frontier Ranch. I learned about God's never ending, never giving up, unbreaking, always and forever love for me. I watched Katy Ann and Austin grow up. I had my heart broken. I broke others' hearts. I ate tons of Barberitos. I learned that I can be artsy and musical... if I try. I watched my sister grow up and grew to love and admire her more everyday. I spent way too much money. Fall break to Charleston was the best trip in spite of stomach problems. I had long talks over iced soy vanilla lattes. I lived with my best friends. I watched people start relationships with the Lord. I released all inhibitions at dance parties. Kimber and I drove to Boone a lot. I watched my friends be great Younglife leaders. I went to the beach with friends every spring break- each trip was different and great. I spent a month in Oregon. I loved being at Windy Gap. "With You" by Chris Brown was my favorite song. I was a lifeguard. People called me hessie, Jaguar, Lynn, and Gooz. I was a Younglife leader with my Younglife leader. I had friends who loved me enough to tell me things I didn't want to hear. I spent many days at the lake. I rarely did homework. I learned how to be a leader. I learned how much I need Jesus. I became friens with my parents. I listened to lots of Drew and Ellie. My favorite treat was peanut butter m&ms and coke. I got really sick for a while, but eventually got better. I climbed trees at the VA. I went night hiking and night swimming. I learned lots of lessons the hard way. I went rollerblading. I watched my sweet Charlie grow up. I worked at Hollister for a week. I learned to let people love me. I figured out I don't have to be perfect. I watched through tears as some people very dear to me moved away. I learned to trust God. I watched (but didn't really watch) movies with my friends. I played tennis with Zach. I watched my friends get their hearts broken. I smoked cloves and drank cream soda. I dressed in goofy outfits. I went to concerts. I was (and still am) indecisive. I lived in Rose Park, the Casa, and the Mold house. I learned from my friends. I peed in my pants. I pulled all-nighters. I took girls to Younglife camp. I saw brokenness in the form of eating disorders, breakups, abuse, and abortion. I have seen the beauty and joy of adoption. I went to drive-in movies. I passed notes in class. I had many sweet moments with the Lord. I read the pals sign everyday. I played cornhole and ultimate frisbee. I spent many hours at the Caldwell's house laughing, crying and everything in between. I was on student staff with Amber. I read the Blue Book. I endured many homeschool jokes. I got scared. I worked at the Bristol Races. I watched my Younglife team grow and change. I went to Waffle House in the middle of the night. I watched YouTube videos over and over. I was "Sue" at club. I forgot and re-learned how much I need Jesus. I loved going to church for the first time. I played on the playground in the Tree Streets. I changed my major 33589733 times. I spent way too much time of facebook. I went to the Carter Family Fold. I grew out of my shy, awkward stage. I drove to Charleston to watch the sunrise. I had my first kiss. I ran away from the Lord. I ran back to the Lord. I prayed like crazy. I made mistakes. I got hurt. I learned to be intentional. I met many different kinds of people- funny, angry, crazy, mean, happy, & lovely. I overanalyzed. I sang at the top of my lungs. I watched every season of Dawson's Creek. I loved and was loved. I learned. I grew up. I became the real me."
No wonder I miss it so much!!!!!!!!!!!!! What a sweet time that was! Reading this makes me miss it, but it also makes me excited for the times ahead. Bring it!
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
A New Way of Struggling
To struggle used to be
to grab with both hands
and shake
and twist
and turn
and push
and shove
and not give in
but wrestle an answer from it all
as Jacob did a blessing.
But there is another way
to struggle with an issue, a question-
simply jump off into the abyss
and find ourselves floating
falling
tumbling
being led
slowly and gently, but surely
to answers God has for us-
to watch the answers unfold before our eyes
and still be a part of the unfolding.
But, oh!
The trust necessary for this new way!
Not to be always reaching out
for the old hand-holds.
-Susan W.N. Ruach
to grab with both hands
and shake
and twist
and turn
and push
and shove
and not give in
but wrestle an answer from it all
as Jacob did a blessing.
But there is another way
to struggle with an issue, a question-
simply jump off into the abyss
and find ourselves floating
falling
tumbling
being led
slowly and gently, but surely
to answers God has for us-
to watch the answers unfold before our eyes
and still be a part of the unfolding.
But, oh!
The trust necessary for this new way!
Not to be always reaching out
for the old hand-holds.
-Susan W.N. Ruach
Monday, November 1, 2010
Peace
To wait is to learn the spiritual grace of detachment (letting go), the freedom of desire. Not the absence of desire, but desire at rest. St John of the Cross lamented that "the desires weary and fatigue the soul; for they are like restless and discontented children, who are ever demanding this or that from their mother, and are never contented." Detachment is coming to a place where those demanding children are at peace. As David said,
I have stilled and quieted my soul;
like a weaned child with its mother,
like a weaned child is my soul within me.
Psalm 131:2
The word detachment might evoke wrong impressions. It is not a cold and indifferent attitude; not at all. Gerald May writes, "An authentic spiritual understanding of detachment devalues neither desire nor the objects of desire." Instead, it "aims at correcting one's own anxious grasping in order to free oneself for committed relationship to God."
From Journey of Desire by John Eldridge
I have stilled and quieted my soul;
like a weaned child with its mother,
like a weaned child is my soul within me.
Psalm 131:2
The word detachment might evoke wrong impressions. It is not a cold and indifferent attitude; not at all. Gerald May writes, "An authentic spiritual understanding of detachment devalues neither desire nor the objects of desire." Instead, it "aims at correcting one's own anxious grasping in order to free oneself for committed relationship to God."
From Journey of Desire by John Eldridge
Monday, October 25, 2010
How He Loves
Jesus loves me this I know...
I've always known that the Lord loves me. There are times when I don't necessarily believe he could love me and times when I just didn't let him love me. But these days, I'm learning that his love may look different from what I've always assumed it to be like.
It's hard to even begin to explain where my heart is right now. I'm in this weird push and pull pattern with God. I'm confused, resentful, grieving, yet anticipating. I miss knowing and being known. I've been grieving the loss of a wonderful community of friends where I am known and loved, while growing resentful towards the only one who knows me to the core- all my mess- and still loves me.
I am scared to death. I am hurting. I am lonely. I am frustrated. I am angry. But I also know that I am loved. Not a hearts and butterflies kind of love, but a wonderful, terrible, beautiful, messy, gentle, painful kind of love. Part of me feels like fighting it and the other part feels like sprinting towards it, begging for it to never leave. It's hard to grasp this sort of love. I don't understand it. But I don't want to live another second without it.
My favorite song right now is How He Loves. (Hence the title of my blog) John Mark McMillian knows what's up. This kinda ties all my thoughts together.
I've always known that the Lord loves me. There are times when I don't necessarily believe he could love me and times when I just didn't let him love me. But these days, I'm learning that his love may look different from what I've always assumed it to be like.
It's hard to even begin to explain where my heart is right now. I'm in this weird push and pull pattern with God. I'm confused, resentful, grieving, yet anticipating. I miss knowing and being known. I've been grieving the loss of a wonderful community of friends where I am known and loved, while growing resentful towards the only one who knows me to the core- all my mess- and still loves me.
I am scared to death. I am hurting. I am lonely. I am frustrated. I am angry. But I also know that I am loved. Not a hearts and butterflies kind of love, but a wonderful, terrible, beautiful, messy, gentle, painful kind of love. Part of me feels like fighting it and the other part feels like sprinting towards it, begging for it to never leave. It's hard to grasp this sort of love. I don't understand it. But I don't want to live another second without it.
My favorite song right now is How He Loves. (Hence the title of my blog) John Mark McMillian knows what's up. This kinda ties all my thoughts together.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Weddings
It's official.. the wedding season of my life has begun! In the past two months I've been to FOUR of my friends' weddings. Two of my old roommates and dearest friends married wonderful, godly men and have started a new chapter of life and I was so blessed to be a part of it! However, I need to say that it's just weird that my friends are getting married... I feel like we aren't old enough for this! When did we grow up?
It seems like yesterday we moved into the dumpy, cold, yet charming little house affectionately named "The Casa". Jenny with her all nighters because she procrastinated on homework, Kimber with her wedding magazines and a diet coke permanently attached to her hand, Amber with her laundry day outfits and tiny closet of a room and me with my random dancing outbursts and princess bed...
Then along came Shanna, followed by Betsy. These two completed our group and brought so much light and laughter with them! Although Bets and I never lived there at the same time, I feel as though the entire group has always been together. Our friendships have had their ups and downs, but together we learned so much about life, the Lord, and how to love. (Glow stick dance parties are our specialty.) With them, I am completely myself, I am challenged, I can love and be loved, and sometimes I even laugh till I pee in my pants.Every day is a constant reminder that we are growing up. All of us have real jobs (or graduate school, which should count as a real job) and this fall Kimber and Shanna have both gotten married! Is this real life?
Aren't they GORGEOUS?? I am so happy for both of them and so excited to see where the Lord takes them on this new journey. Kimber and Luke were married in September and Shanna tied the knot with Kyle last night. At both of their weddings I had to just stop for a minute and take in the surreal moments. Moments I never want to forget. Looking around and seeing all of my best friends growing up and celebrating life... It's beautiful.I'm not sure the point of this post except to be sentimental and cheesy. I am just overwhelmed with thankfulness for those the Lord has placed in my life, however long or short that time with them may be.
Casa Girls, I love you and can't wait to be together with you again!Wednesday, April 7, 2010
New Jess
April is here! My last post about the snow seems like a distant memory as I sit in the 80 degree weather listening to the birds chirp and taking in the smell of fresh cut grass. Not only does that post seem distant because of the change in weather, but because of the change in me. Some people fondly call it "New Jess".
The Lord has been hard at work in my life these last few months. Somewhere back there I began drifting, letting my circumstances dictate my thoughts, feelings, and actions. I chose to live and love on my own strength, refusing to surrender my fears and sorrows to the Lord. As always, no matter how turned around I get, He pulls me out of the hole I have burrowed myself in and brings me back to life- a life filled with His inexhaustable love. He has redeemed me once again and has brought back my joy, my ability to love people, and my true self. I am New Jess!
"THE GLORY OF GOD IS MAN FULLY ALIVE" -St. Irenaeus
The Lord has been hard at work in my life these last few months. Somewhere back there I began drifting, letting my circumstances dictate my thoughts, feelings, and actions. I chose to live and love on my own strength, refusing to surrender my fears and sorrows to the Lord. As always, no matter how turned around I get, He pulls me out of the hole I have burrowed myself in and brings me back to life- a life filled with His inexhaustable love. He has redeemed me once again and has brought back my joy, my ability to love people, and my true self. I am New Jess!
"THE GLORY OF GOD IS MAN FULLY ALIVE" -St. Irenaeus
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)