How He Loves

Jesus loves me this I know...

I've always known that the Lord loves me. There are times when I don't necessarily believe he could love me and times when I just didn't let him love me. But these days, I'm learning that his love may look different from what I've always assumed it to be like.

It's hard to even begin to explain where my heart is right now. I'm in this weird push and pull pattern with God. I'm confused, resentful, grieving, yet anticipating. I miss knowing and being known. I've been grieving the loss of a wonderful community of friends where I am known and loved, while growing resentful towards the only one who knows me to the core- all my mess- and still loves me.

I am scared to death. I am hurting. I am lonely. I am frustrated. I am angry. But I also know that I am loved. Not a hearts and butterflies kind of love, but a wonderful, terrible, beautiful, messy, gentle, painful kind of love. Part of me feels like fighting it and the other part feels like sprinting towards it, begging for it to never leave. It's hard to grasp this sort of love. I don't understand it. But I don't want to live another second without it.

My favorite song right now is How He Loves. (Hence the title of my blog) John Mark McMillian knows what's up. This kinda ties all my thoughts together.

Weddings

It's official.. the wedding season of my life has begun! In the past two months I've been to FOUR of my friends' weddings. Two of my old roommates and dearest friends married wonderful, godly men and have started a new chapter of life and I was so blessed to be a part of it! However, I need to say that it's just weird that my friends are getting married... I feel like we aren't old enough for this! When did we grow up?

It seems like yesterday we moved into the dumpy, cold, yet charming little house affectionately named "The Casa". Jenny with her all nighters because she procrastinated on homework, Kimber with her wedding magazines and a diet coke permanently attached to her hand, Amber with her laundry day outfits and tiny closet of a room and me with my random dancing outbursts and princess bed...

Then along came Shanna, followed by Betsy. These two completed our group and brought so much light and laughter with them! Although Bets and I never lived there at the same time, I feel as though the entire group has always been together. Our friendships have had their ups and downs, but together we learned so much about life, the Lord, and how to love. (Glow stick dance parties are our specialty.) With them, I am completely myself, I am challenged, I can love and be loved, and sometimes I even laugh till I pee in my pants.

Every day is a constant reminder that we are growing up. All of us have real jobs (or graduate school, which should count as a real job) and this fall Kimber and Shanna have both gotten married! Is this real life?

Aren't they GORGEOUS?? I am so happy for both of them and so excited to see where the Lord takes them on this new journey. Kimber and Luke were married in September and Shanna tied the knot with Kyle last night. At both of their weddings I had to just stop for a minute and take in the surreal moments. Moments I never want to forget. Looking around and seeing all of my best friends growing up and celebrating life... It's beautiful.

I'm not sure the point of this post except to be sentimental and cheesy. I am just overwhelmed with thankfulness for those the Lord has placed in my life, however long or short that time with them may be.
Casa Girls, I love you and can't wait to be together with you again!